I don't speak crazy.
If I haven’t mentioned it, oh, I don’t know, 30000 times already to friends, relatives and anyone who will listen to me, parenting has been difficult so far. I don’t understand what the baby needs when he whimpers. He rarely all-out wails, and when he does it’s only for 2 or 3 minutes tops (knock on the biggest mf’ing piece of wood) but I don’t understand ANY noise he makes, making it frustrating for me -- a person who likes to know everything.
This need to know encourages my reflex to research, and I tend to do that obsessively once I get my mind onto something. I’ll look through the internet to get a nugget of information, usually from a message board. Then I’ll google this nugget until I can find more information, probably from a self-help or reference book. This then leads to one of two things: I discover what I want to know and celebrate with a margarita, or, more often than not I get the overwhelmed feeling of knowing way too much which means I know less than I did when I started and I suck tequila out of the bottle.
With a baby nothing has a straight answer. Nothing. No, really, nothing. We went to Borders for Valentine’s Day; a treat for me from Bub. Instead of looking through the shelves of fiction, I went straight to the Parenting section. Mister Man is on a feeding schedule but I started thinking he needs more of a routine and a book could definitely provide that, right? I can hear the mommy collective out there laughing already. I perused many, many books. I picked up a few and read the backs. I picked up others and read a few pages. I narrowed it down between two books and took a seat and started reading them. I came to two conclusions:
1. I will never have the time or the inclination to read a mindless chic-lit novel again.
2. I HATE parenting books.
I ended up buying The Baby Whisperer because the writer wasn’t Gina Ford. I like routines and I like structure but that lady could take over Germany in less than a day. I have zero interest in keeping my child on anyone else’s schedule but ours and after reading a few pages of her theory on raising children, I decided to just buy the other book I was holding. And that’s how you shop during a recession.
The Baby Whisperer has been a good read. I’m not finished yet but I think I can take some things from it and try to put Mister Man on a schedule when I think he’s ready. He is NOT ready now. I know this because I already tried a routine with him and he was all, Um, I think I’ll just not poop for a few days so I get fussy and freak you out -- how about it? And I was all, so, we’ll revisit this in a month or two? And then he told me to be quiet and just get him a bottle. And that was the only time I have ever understood what he’s trying to say.