How to watch a Twilight movie and enjoy it.
Unless you live under a rock, you have heard of the "Twilight Saga" starring the skinny girl, the boy who never puts his shirt on and my boyfriend. This is how my mother described Kristen Stewart, Bajillion Abs (His official name in our house) and Robert Pattinson after she saw them on Oprah. If it wasn't for Oprah, my mother would be The Resident Alcoholic and Clean Freak under that rock.
Because I think about running away to LA every day to sit outside Robert Pattinson's house and lick the tops of the beer bottles he leaves out for recycling, I thought it necessary to go see the movie during it's pre-release in Ireland last weekend. From this experience I have learned there is only one way to see any Twilight movie and since there are two more to go after this one, I think the following is the formula I will apply in the future.
1. Go with girlfriends who love Twilight/Robert Pattinson/The kid who can't keep his shirt on as much as you do.
Sure, the books are complete crap but maybe you can't help but find the story appalling/appealing. Or, possibly like me, you imagine what your children will look like with your eyes and Edward's smile. Maybe you even like Bajillion Abs and don't feel creepy every time you see him, YET AGAIN, with no shirt on. You are the perfect movie date! Find some people who inhabit these traits and take them to the movie with you. Not only will you get to laugh your ass off at the awful acting, but you'll be able to swoon together. Also, if you're an older gal, like myself, make sure your girlfriends are the same age or older than you -- you'll feel some camaraderie with your fellow Mrs. Robinsons.
2. Have someone bring their husband. Just make sure it's not yours.
While KD, Allison and I were upset that our friend Aisling had to cancel on us, Mr. Allison decided to take her ticket and it was brilliant! A man in the group will make sure that you don't completely humiliate yourself when Rob steps onto the screen. You keep yourself in check and are sure not to sigh when the love-birds start rolling around together on his gorgeous four-poster bed. Also, a man will always suggest a pint beforehand, which leads me to my next and, final, suggestion...
3. Drink immediately before the movie.
It was a 2.30pm showing but Mr. Allison was 100% on board with a little drinky drinky before he was going to sit through two hours of estrogen-fueled hell. 15 minutes after walking through the door at 2pm I had a pint of Carlsburg in my previously starving stomach and I was feeling giddy. I mean, embarrassingly so. When KD discreetly (or not so...) said to me, "Um, I think I'm drunk" I knew that this movie experience was going to be fantastic. It made everything, and I mean everything funny. I nearly lost it when Edward, in a shocked and disgusted tone said, "Stop taking your clothes off!" to his girlfriend who, in so many words, just begged him to deflower her. When "Buuuurrrrnnnn" slipped out of my mouth I had a really good excuse.
The movie, unsurprisingly, was crap. I mean, it was the best of the three, and it seems they are all actually trying to seem like legit actors but what really made the movie worth it, and will keep me coming back to the next two, was the company I kept while seeing best comedy of summer 2010 (even if it didn’t mean to be).
And maybe, just a little bit, because of this guy:
Thanks, girls (and husband!). Let’s make a date for November 2011.